I wish I could stop fucking up everything. I seem do do it on a daily basis.

I need to see with others eyes.

I feel guilty for having fun.

I haven’t really had fun in quite some time.

My mind hasn’t been clear in months.

It’s not getting any better, I know this, but I can’t walk away and I can’t let go.

I’m a broken record, or more-so a lock groove.

firday night, dont remember, wait, i do, backtrack… thursday night, went to see an offshoot of local noise improv what have you nightshark called cuntpuncher… two sax players [of various sax types] and a electronics guy, rode my new [still nameless fixed there in the snow, it got down to neg. 14 degrees that night. good show, get home, go to sputnik to see the wünderbar dj von kelly play about 5 songs on the tables. get a veggie burger [more so sloppy joe] and head home at close. sam messages me on AIM, we talk until 7am or so, much is discussed, i feel very rollercoastery, optimistic, we both vie to reach understanding, things… go to bathroom before sleep at 7:45 or so, pipes are frozen in the gallery again [twice in two weeks].

wake up friday at noon or so, clean the gallery for the 20 or so people that will come later that night, stock the fridge with roughly 18 beers for each of those 20 people. finish up around 6, thai food with living mates, some of their social skills and story telling techniques leave everything to be desired. thai basil’s “really really really hot” just isn’t spicy enough. i finish quickly and sit through more nonsense. get home, write paper until the midnight due date. climb into a warmed bed of feline and female.

wake up saturday at 7:30am, wide awake, breakfastistas brunch from 11:30 to 5 or so, go home pack a bag for the night, pick up two day new denver resident christina, head to fort collins, hang out as kids play with drugs and gas masks, ride bikes in 4 degrees and ice, pizza, videos, music swapping, arting… sleep at 5:30am…

procrastinating too much, back in tomorrow… gotta design a restaurant receipt.

Is it alcoholism if you’re drinking beer at 1pm because theres nothing else [other than water]. It’s snowing again and that’s driving me more nuts than anything else really. sam and i are through now and i’m actually handling it better than i would expect. i honestly hope we can pull out a lasting friendship from all of this as i am constantly amazed by her and makes me see the world differently and blah blah. the past year and a half or so with her hass jsut been an eye opening experience to simplify it with any meaning.

in other news, my heart beat has been very strong since early december, to the point where its annoying that it feels like it is shaking my entire chest at times. odd.