i’m feeling empty, yet obligated. heres stuff form the past two days.
movies: happiness, bully, the good the bad and the ugly, schizopolis, resevoir dogs, leon: the professional.
music: venetian snares - doll doll doll, gangsa bass inc tour live sets, v/vm test records, nymphomatriarch, dead prex, pixies, devo, dimmu borgir, digable planets, vaz, madien, leadbelly.
other: baby art.

its windy, im bored and am therefore reading up on politics, excitement abounds today.

“i hate crowds, but i love a gathering”….it is easy to make me uncomfortable in public. i cant stand being helped in stores. today someone attempted this repeatedly and after the 4th time he talked to me i turned, looked at him and just walked away. it’s unfortunate to say, but the only time i’ve been totally comfortable in a large crowd was either that night club i went to in china[other than my father and sister, i knew no one within a few thousand miles], or when im pretty well drunk [ala chicago, but then i became very very uncomfortable, fizzy water in the eyes will do that]. i dont get it because i do enjoy going out and meeting people, but im so uncomfortable at the same time that i clam up and stare into corners.

blah blah blah, enough crap for tonight, im actually happy, my back has receded under my skin so i can stand and move again, no more laying on the floor for me, no sir. mobility is where its at.

heres stuff:
ah war theories, and political “games”. but, in the end, i always end up agreeing with nonsense. if you find this too boring, go play zookeeper it has filled hours of my otherwise empty life [plus, there’s a fun japanese advertisement while it loads][my record is level9].

so me and some friends are planning on starting 3 separate bike related companies. the first is by joe, and it is called endemic. he’s from maryland. he has a site here. he has 1 hour of webdesign under his belt. joe rules. the others will be much longer in the making, joe is impatient. also his new nickname is “fatchickjoe”

again i want to write cool-ly here, but im too tired. oddly, i had a very nice day. most often when that occurs i am giddy at night. right now, not so much…for no real reason.

burrito accompanists were found however.

i regained my ability to sleep in today, 2 o’clock felt nice. rode around, then at the park for a nice sunset. today has been mindless.

heres some pictures from around here that somebody took…sherwin has a few at the end.

i changed stuff around so it seems as though i know what im doing.

time for vegan burritos, i’d invite anybody, but theres no one here.

ok, is it wrong to walk up to a total stranger, and say, “hello [their name here], how are you today?” i ask becsause i keep seeing myspace/friendsters all over the place. having the instamatic brain i posses, i think it would be very funny, but i also dont want people thinking im a stalker. it makews me want to try and remeber more about them just to confuse them, as well as show them whats up.

that is, that i spend too much time online.

really, what do you think of the songs i linked to? c’mon. i’ve been getting back into music alot in the past 2 weeks, which rules, but is bad, very bad for the bank account. so so so bad.

music: donna summer/jason forrest, din-st, OVe-NaXx, sickboy.

get your ctrl+click/rightclicking ready, right now, to start, listen to this as you read the rest. good, now i just have to waste 4 minutes of you life, but it won’t be a waste, it will be very much worth while, every time i listen to this song i am reminded of just how great music can be. i know nothing about it, but i want to find all i can, i haven’t felt like this about music since i got my first blackjewishgays mix, here’s one of their offerings. also, in the music thread, i havent be able to get “one in a million” by guns n roses out of my head, its on a cd in my car and each time i start driving anywhere i’ve been compulsively playing just that track, axl makes some strange sounds on it and i want to know who it happens. plus its the greatest “i don’t give a fuck” song perhaps ever. also, listen to aleph empire. it will be funny when i finally post this and none of these links work as i want them to. have you heard the entire first track yet? no? hmm what else to write? oh, yes, stunt rock, i cant stress that enough, just read some of his song titles and try to deny his obvious muscial genius, plus he’s the most hardcore emo rocker in the world, can’t deny that either.

ok, in conclusion, heres my current listening: disciples of belial, joonsik, mochipet, ed flis/duran duran duran, abazagorath.

seriously, d/l that stuff, it will make me smile, especially if you inform me of your thoughts in a nice approval required to be seen comment, then i’ll approve it and we can all laugh, as we did before the accident…let us never discuss the accident again.

p.s. this is who i thought you were talking about: ellen allien, not amy annelle.

p.p.s.: i forget if i told anyone about this, but go buy this cd it is by my friend zak theres a remix i did as well as one of my tracks remixed by zak. so, word.

rode for about 10 hours today, then sat around thought of sleeping, saw them come and go, with no aknowlegement of my presence. i discuss my recognitions, particularly those gone unreciprocated, i see you, i know things about you, but if i told you these things, you would be scared away. [so tempted to say, “this is my gift, it is my curse” stupid trailers] instead i mearly tip back more swallows, than use the finches to signify the end of the eve[ning] [-i dont like typing that last part, the “ning”] crushes are odd, i want to be more direct, but as have said before [in private, mind you] “i’m no good at girls.” im never around and you never when i am. weather it be board games or beverages, i grow bored of the games. is fleeing to far off lands the answer?

i imagine you’d say so….

i see shallowness in the land of my intentions, my persona would likely crumble under the consistancy of the big city lights. is it better to just have my weekends in the sun, then retreat to my mountain hide-away? blah…

i have nothing to say, just trying the new hottness, here are pictures from last weekend. also, i now have to approve all comments before they will be posted, because ive gotten 20 or so from one place in the past day. so dont be suprised if yours dont appear immediatley, or ever.

music=alec empire, t.A.t.U, scissor sisters, the berzerker, knifehandchop [on random]

someone call me to goto a movie, this town sucks, i realize that more each time i leave. so this guy got fired at work today, then everyone laughed about it because we have all hated him for some time now, but he would never screwup to badly. then i remebered that he once told me about how he owned an ak [-47, moron] so as im washing dishes i hear a strang meatalic sound, this is immediatly after remembering, and i get paranoid, it sounded like the loading of a gun, but alas, someone just dropped a slicer, so much for an exciting day at work.

i was roused by simultaneous messages and calls seeking explaination for actions. my broken clock, both digital and biological, created doubts of my own existance. at the same time, my body was enveloped in a carbonated tactility [plus, to be much less cleverly said, the skin is falling off my toes]* let it be said that my actions are near always short sighted, brash, and in afterthought, rarely the best choice. corrections shall be made, but i am slower to repair than tear down. my mind was crowded with thoughts as i drove this eve, but their sardine like aggangement caused the best and brightest to be ejected verbally to the emptiness of my car, lost forever. the note that did escape was, as i feared, built to unatainable expectations when only intended as a playful advance, my words are often blurted out as the internal jokes that only i get are expunged to the unnassuming public, if you’re me, its hysterical. i have realized that while i often have good openings, my conclusions are commonly lacking, as a result i will now drastically change subject.

after reading “beggars of life”[jim tully] and re-reading “you cant win”[jack black, both ak/nabat] in the past 2 days, i have become saddened that the ways of hobos, tramps, yeggs, and the like is now shunned in our society. while waiting for a train to my grandmothers i had visions of what lies ahead for europe, but also wished to be able to simply sneak onto trains, sleep in empty shacks, knock door to door for food and be heartily greeted, i dont see this as a possibility now. in less than a century the country has turned from, as these men descibe it, a place where everyone was willing to lend a helping hand, to isolation and seclusion in the present. what up with that?**.
(more…)

fly, train, sushi, riding in trunks, drinks, bad art, odd encounters, lots more drinks, misunderstandings, no understanding, no recolections, up for about 42 hours, sleep for 12, mediocre show, no drinks, sleep, good art, records, books, boardgames, sleep, thai for breakfast, grandma, bumping into on trains, vegan cafes, big wig, a nibble, no food tonight, hero, sleep, mega mall, air brush, train, air plane, wait, sorry no air plane, 6 hours later: air plane, home.

so, tonight i came into touch with my inner g.g. allen [if you dont know what that means, do a google for that name] i came home from work with a face full of blood, the worst was when i could feel the dried blood crusting on my face as it wrinkled in laughter, if you dont believe me, there will be pictures someday, its just that they will be real negatives, not you’ re instant digital ones. regardless, im flying to chicago in hours, if you;re there, i will see you. if you’re here, i’ll see you later. i took adderall tonight, my roommate offered it, and it seemed like a good plan, it is my first ever “illegal” substance. i dont know how to think about it, in the past ive even forgone painkillers [with a broken coillarbone and such] now i just see it as a way to carry out what i need to do. have my morals slipped? i dont know. i do know that if i didnt have to catch a plane in mere hours, i would not have done this. i still need to pack. i don’t even what im taking, today dissapeared faster than i had hoped, i meant, but there is no time to do things before i leave, i need to get a flux capacitor. i feel ashamed that it is believed that my generation needs to be told how to spell “congregation” why are we believed to be idiots? its so phonetically obvious, so why am i considered a fool, just because i answer phones at a drug themed pizza parlor? what gives you* [*gina, yeah, you spelled that for me too…] the right to assume me as an idiot? is it because i have chosen to live on a bare minimum? [not entirely true, im typing this on $2000] but still, will i be forever condemmed to a presupposition of simplicity due to my conscious choice of not aiming high. [allow me to explain, i have decided that i have no real aspirations to achieve great things in the eyes of others, i only seek to please myself, and to have a damn good time doing it, i know this is a bad plan for my future, but, hey, whats that title?] sometimes this worries me, as i think it would be fun to have children of my own, but how will i support that? will i ever accept living with a steady job that i cant just take 5 weeks off at? and will i be able to stand it for 35 years as my father has? all he talks about is how he gets no respect at work, and i dont want that. if im going to make an attempt to establish a strong footing in the world, for a family and such, what the hell will i do? i scare myself with writings such as this, thats what. my friends, succesfull ones, harper for examlpe, and they say they are confused/lost/worried/what-have-you, so should i be even more scared for the future? i’ve never made more the $7,000 a year on the books, do i have anything to look forward to? im not saving anything, i live a day/week/month[at most] at a time. and only a month because my desire to reach europe is so strong. i will move when i return, but will i submit resumes to get hired? i doubt it, i just want to find something else that pays the rent so i can get out of the system as often as possible. as fredy pearlman says in “the reproduction of daily life,” life is not equal to money.” i truely believe this, but to embrace this i feel that i must convince the overbearing presence in all our lives, my father. allegedly he has said that i am “breaking his heart” due to him paying for my education, which [i guess according to him] i have squandered. but i am happy, isnt that what he should want for me? thinking about it, i know he accepts what i have become and is proud, but at the same time i feel that i am dissapointing him by not exploiting all that he has made available to me. i am the second ever college graduate of his half of my family, and i have no aspirations to follow my sisters footsteps, but at the same time, i dont want to end up like my cousins, which i see my sister doing, dead-end jobs, [fullfilling?] marriages [though i dont think my sister will settle for anything less that true love]. but at this point in their lives, my parents were married and with her already existing, and me a growing twinkle in the eye[my parents had sex!!!!! i find that great, i love them enough to accept that they did, and do enjoy each others “special company” so do yours, deal…] i just [recently] find myself wondering if they think to themselves, “where did i go wrong, why arent my kids married and reproducing?” i see it in myself and my sister that we will take awhile to accomplish this, but i don’t know why. our parents are wonderful and still very much in love, they have always been the greatest i could ask for, so why has it made me so hesitant to……

[fine, here you go…..]hmm, i think i’ve confused myself, but i want to figure it out…

find the right girl? no, thats not right… um i jst feel as though i have a lot of living to do on my own before i become joined with someone else…, i think….i dont know what i think anymore actually, this has all run away from me. i’ll see if i can catch up this weekend. i wish i sounded as cool in person as i doo in my head.

ahhh, anticipatio………[go to sleep, ace yer tests, go to crobar, go to peaches{if yer cool}]

this would be longer, but you sidetracked me, i’ll explain it, do you want me to pass you a note between classes?

i saw things that i hope will inspire dreams, but as i have none of my own, i am repeatedly called upon to create dream-stories from what i see day to day. this evening i saw you car, i was traveling parallel to it but we were on different roads, headed the same direction, but forever divided, the only way to achieve a common path was for one to veer off course and tackle a tight hairpin curve leading into a long road where a interchange could be found, but this route, whomever stayed their course would travel too far ahead, only leaving us separated, without possibility of ever reuniting. this is accepted, and we go on our way, sometimes loosing sight as one road dips while another rises. we loose sight, but are confident that the other is still there, keeping an eye out, and smiling for the time spent together.

p.s.[and totally unrelated]: this is bullshit.

today felt like a wonderful lucid dream. i fell asleep to the sound of birds singing outside the window, then was jolted awake to the same birds only now they are scared by something, just loud and frieghtented sounding. i get up go to work. once there, i find that despite it having be very busy last night, there is nothing that needs to be done, so i leave early [this never happens]. because i have such free time, i decide to go for a ride. without doing anything, my bike feeels very fast today, so i jsut keep pedaling and passing cars, making every light, cant really explain it, having so much fun riding down the street. while doing so, it seems as though every 8th car yells something at me. from “pop a wheelie” to hey faggot” i get a wide range of shouts, an none were provoked in any way, perplexing. i arrive at the pearl street mall [and being a good citizen] begin walking my bike. i run into some riding friends that i hadn’t seen in a year or so, thought they had moved away, but was wrong. after talking to them, i head on my way and begin to notice that i have seen many amputees in the last block or so, mostly those lacking either one or both arms. upon paying closer attentiong i realize none are actually missing limbs, they are all just ticks of posture and position. however, as im heading into have some falafel, i do see a man with a false leg, and have to stare at it to believe its not another trick, then feel bad when he notices my gaze. after eating i headed to left hand books to see if they have some things ive been looking for, and they do, but too many of them, so now i have added 4 more to the pile next to my bed. i head home and the random shouts from cars continues. at work, too many strange things happen, $8 tips on $12 orders, delivering to friends, running into sherwin while buying lettuce when we ran out…..plus, we were done closing by 1:20 [when it normally takes until 2:30 or so]. and to top it all off, as i got in the car to head home, theere was a rainbow around the full moon.

is it wrong that during times of emotional distress, i choose to listen to bikini kill? what does this say about me? i have been switching between bikini and dead prez for the past 6 days and i always return to wondering what my love of these two groups says about me. both have very strong political/social messages, but i [being the middle class white that i am] wonder what the creators of said messages would say about my fondness for them. do i only listen to dead prez for the sensationality of their lyrics? for that matter, do i only listen to popular hip-hop[bling bling and such] because i mock their value systems? i even reached a point where i could find myself racist for listening to them, where i sit in my suburban home, somewhat comfortably, and listen to the stories of others hardships, and find joy in listening to them. i dont think that why i like it, but it is a view that can be argued. i just admire them for not censoring themselves, even if that means they say they want to rob or shoot me:

“We been living in the dark since April
On the candle
Gotta get a handle
My homie got a 25 automatic added to the camper
Nigga get the phone book look up in the yellow page
Lemme tell you how we fend to get paid
We gonna order pizza and when we see the driver
We gonna stick the 25 up in his face”
[Dead Prez: Hell Yeah, RBG 2004]