often times i think of disappearing, things just don’t work out as i hoped and there’s really nothing holding me here, so why not just store everything away and head out to the world? its not like there’s anything holding me here. maybe a few people would miss me, but they never show that when I’m around. for a while now i’ve felt that im not appreciated, but thats not what really bothers me. its not like im making any contributions to society around here anyway, no as though i want to in boulder regardless. its just that tonight i’ve seriously been considering getting in my car and driving until one of us [car/me] has a breakdown, i;d probably be first…why is it that perfection never works out? i want to have everything right in front of me, but it keeps changing and hiding from me. many times have i believed that everything was perfect, but it never works out in the end. life goes on, but it would be nice to be able to go on with someone else in my life. i dont want to try to change anybody, because they’re are to wonderful for who they are. i have vivid memories of good times and wonder what it will take to have that all the time? right now, my frame of mind is just to head to a far away land and become a homeless hermit with nothing but a bike and who knows? there’s even times when i question my dedication to the bike. at this point i know i’ll never make money riding, but do i just keep on because i have nothing else? i see a lot of those round me moving on in life, but i dont know if i am happy where i am. i find myself bored very often, but at the same time i dont know what else i should be striving for, and that saddens me. what if i dont find anything else to occupy my time. theres things in my head, but i lack the skill, knowhow, or ability to introduce them to the world at large. then theres always money too…i could just keep plodding along as i currently am, but i find no fulfillment therein. i have a mental list of where i want to go/be, but i have no pland or arrangements as to what i will do if/when i get to any of those places. im still not ready to get a “real” job, and doubt my abilities to succeed in doing those things i truly want to try and make a living doing. why is modest mouse on television? why was i watching espn? why dont i answer the phone when it means i’d have something to do? i apologize for being a jerk at times, it just takes me awhile to think things through at times,

im a mess.

i just want to have fun. enjoy it while it lasts.