1/4 century, i care.

i think the europe trip may be collapsing around me, im going anyway, fuckit. the whole point of planning so far in advance was to avoid ballups, but with 2 people backing out in the past week (or possibly doing so) things are strange. i’m not mad, i understand that things must be done, it just makes me more uneasy with being the one in charge of the entire trip. i dont now what im doing, i just want to fly over and then ride my bike and see the world thats been distanced from me. i dont even care about getting back here, i just need to go and find all that i can. its not like i have anything holding me here, maybe i do, maybe i wish that i did…but im going to leave, its just a matter of finding where to go. i plan on coming back from this trip and moving out of boulder, it’s just that i will be quite broke from the trip, in fact i hope to return more pennieless than i have ever been. i dont think that traveling so far will be worth it if i return with more than five bucks to my name, i just plan on having more fun than i have had before, maybe to the point that i’ll just dissapear in “the old country” i know my parents would go insane, but sometimes i think it would be best to just fade away and never be heard from again. maybe i should sell everything i own before leaving? i think im gonna spend a weekend in chicago to see if i could stand/afford living there, but im hesitant to move there due to the familial responsibilities that would be placed upon me from living there. i also have a desire to go west, but what would i do there? i have no skills, i guess i could cook, but is that what i want? perhaps, but at the same time the one thing i actually see myself doing now seems foolish, as well as keeping me here in boulder, which i dont think i could handle. i need to talk to many folks and then try to figureout which path will be best for me, do i follow fun, finance, or fullfillment? i should have gone to an art school.

tomorrow i will eat with my parents [whom i love yet feel i will dissapoint] and then get drunk i assume, even more drunk then i am right now, some times throwing up can be fun, this drinking thing is funny, as a friend said, “you’re/[i’m] worse than a freshman.” it;s funny because due to my extended non drinking period, i lack any peers who still find the fun in drinking in excess, i still enjoy the stupidity in overdoing it, puking its fun as wel as hillarious.

i should stop now, still have 1/4 of second 40[oz.] to go…right now i feel like just getting in my car, driving to the desert, metting a certain someone, continuing west to where-ever and just going until i am financially stopped and then finding means to live, cause when you think it all down, all there is to do is live, as easy or hard as that may be.

right now i feel as though i need to reduce my possessions and begin a phase of preparation for an unknown road ahead. it is as though i will soon be set loose and will be necessary to suppport myself through anymeans necessary,
i want things but am afraid to admit those wants to others around me, i am a coward. i should stop now, you think? what does the future hold? thats what keeps us going, im blabbering, but that is when i am most sure of my thoughts.

goodnight.

p.s.: to everyone i have ever met, i honestly thank you, you have all helped me become who i now am, although i cannot thank you enough for what i may become, i cannot thank you enough for what i have learned, or will learn from you, thank you, i love all of you, honeslty, from the depths of my heart, i love every one of you, although today is supposed to celebrate my birth, i choose to dedicate it to all of you, who have made me the person i am, or who i aim to become.

i cannot say it enough. i love all of you. thank you. there is nothing more to say, you are all combined into me

all my nonsense causes me to remeber steve hermann, my neighbor from childhood, you inspired me to reach high, you left too soon, im sorry i was unable to say goodbye, although you never knew, you were the greastest inspiration, i cried unseen tears at your passing, thank you for being all you are, you were better than i could ever hope to be, i pale in your shadow…