well, that was fun while it lasted.

“authirdized for privte home use only. the definition of home uae excludes the use of this product at locations such clubs, coaches, hosepitals, hotel, oll rigs, prisons, schols, and any othr public placesany unauthorized cipying, dupelcation…of ths product ir any prt there off is striktly prohibited”

from battle royal II.

why am i so type happy today? why dont you mind your business?

i got called “a whore” and was told that “[i]try way too hard to be like everyone else” by some net kid for the way my bike looks*. the bike that sherwin and i designed and had made and that no others exist in the world ever, but im a whore.

[*please not that the response is not from me, i dont know who typed it, but apparently theres someone out there who’s willing to kick people in the neck for me.]

umm, i just got a roll of film back, it has alot of bad photos, here are the ok ones. at this rate, im at about 1 roll per year, mind you, if it was a digital or polaroid, it would be much more.

im so smitten i dont know what to do. what do you think, the timing may be all wrong, but then agian, is it ever correct? maybe i shouldnt be this open, but what’s there to lose? it seems at times that im existing in my own world, totally oblivious to anyother occurances, but thats what happens i suppose, i loath the possibility of nonreciprication, but anticipate it as well, i need some sort of indication, help me…but alas, you need yer sleep, enjoy it, and embrace it without any intrusions, dont be troubled, all is as it must be. what will become of me? an new addiction fuled by the one for whom the addiction speaks of [don’t worry dear reader, it makes sense to me, as for you, well, good luck, well, good luck to me as well…]

p.s.=no, im completely sober.

in more straight forward news, i think i filled my alotted server space[p.s. to that, i deleted some “pics” folders, bye bye history].

i admit it, i was supposed to be at work 40mins ago, i just got out of bed, i will leave soon i guess, i need to win the lottery, i won a dollar, but thats not enough. the previous evening was nice, a lesson in well used indolence. now that i have more going on in my life, im starting to regret my work schedule, i am basically removed from existance for the first 3 days of every week, still better than the 60hr weeks i previously worked, stupid financial resopnsibilities, of course this woudn’t be an issue if i wasn’t such a whore. i should go….

i think im actually bored with the internet, huh…

in other news, im very grumpy today, not sure why, it probalby has to do with being late to work/not wanting to work/having alot to do at work, ah well. now that im not there i guess im feeling better, but then again i have to go back in 1hour, but i traded so im cooking rather than driving, so prepare yourself for another drunken rant right here tomorrow morning, maybe.

i want to write something cool and complicated-ly indescrete, but nothing is coming to mind. well, the thoughs are there, but i cant get them out in a communicative way, it would more or less just be “fdlngwl; dghjdafv ;mv apekgj vmnpa ;jv;msn n;kug rtgqiokvnm f;kgdr lrjsddmfa bglkkssa sndsgsdgf;omsf mff jhjsmlslalmlf sfs ddfgjakd sgasdkl kgahsgfk jghg.” perhaps alcohol will grease the wheels?

my bday shopping spree:
dvds:
-battle royal II
-straw dogs [criterion]
-the texas chainsaw massacre [the real one]
-the young ones [every stoopid episode]
books:
-i spit on your graves - boris vlan
-arthur rimbaud: complete works
-the broken wrist project
-a slew of records from digitalworldnet

then i saw [the new] dawn of the dead and secret window. i was suprised that dawn was as good as it was, if you leave before the credits, you missed the whole film. my main compliant is that ving rhames should have gone evil, oh well, still pretty well done. secret window was pretty good until the suprise twist just made it seem like everyother “suprising” flick out there. the only thing i really enjoyed in that was the preview for the next m night shamalyan film, it was a well done trailer.

now i will start considering buying a digital camera for the x[th] time.

sorry, forgot to drink last night, i’ll make up for it someday. instead i treated my self to alot of sleep, lots, it was very nice. today i think i will go buy myself some presents.

so im changing things around with stuff over there-> [you know, the stuff you ignore] i added some art stuff, theres no good gonz or ed pages so included google searches in their link. i wish i could design for real, i still have no good progs for the apple, wheres that cd-r? this is how i spend my bday? well, i did punch myself in the face while riding this morning, in mid air even, it hurts still, it was very funny, it made me smile. who knows, maybe i’ll even change the name up there? is there a future? yes, but it ends, and after that nothing matters, although im an enormous slacker, i try to use my lifetime wisely, why do that which you dont care about?

thank you for allowing me to waste your time, dont worry, i’ll be drunk later, that post should be fun…

1/4 century, i care.

i think the europe trip may be collapsing around me, im going anyway, fuckit. the whole point of planning so far in advance was to avoid ballups, but with 2 people backing out in the past week (or possibly doing so) things are strange. i’m not mad, i understand that things must be done, it just makes me more uneasy with being the one in charge of the entire trip. i dont now what im doing, i just want to fly over and then ride my bike and see the world thats been distanced from me. i dont even care about getting back here, i just need to go and find all that i can. its not like i have anything holding me here, maybe i do, maybe i wish that i did…but im going to leave, its just a matter of finding where to go. i plan on coming back from this trip and moving out of boulder, it’s just that i will be quite broke from the trip, in fact i hope to return more pennieless than i have ever been. i dont think that traveling so far will be worth it if i return with more than five bucks to my name, i just plan on having more fun than i have had before, maybe to the point that i’ll just dissapear in “the old country” i know my parents would go insane, but sometimes i think it would be best to just fade away and never be heard from again. maybe i should sell everything i own before leaving? i think im gonna spend a weekend in chicago to see if i could stand/afford living there, but im hesitant to move there due to the familial responsibilities that would be placed upon me from living there. i also have a desire to go west, but what would i do there? i have no skills, i guess i could cook, but is that what i want? perhaps, but at the same time the one thing i actually see myself doing now seems foolish, as well as keeping me here in boulder, which i dont think i could handle. i need to talk to many folks and then try to figureout which path will be best for me, do i follow fun, finance, or fullfillment? i should have gone to an art school.

tomorrow i will eat with my parents [whom i love yet feel i will dissapoint] and then get drunk i assume, even more drunk then i am right now, some times throwing up can be fun, this drinking thing is funny, as a friend said, “you’re/[i’m] worse than a freshman.” it;s funny because due to my extended non drinking period, i lack any peers who still find the fun in drinking in excess, i still enjoy the stupidity in overdoing it, puking its fun as wel as hillarious.

i should stop now, still have 1/4 of second 40[oz.] to go…right now i feel like just getting in my car, driving to the desert, metting a certain someone, continuing west to where-ever and just going until i am financially stopped and then finding means to live, cause when you think it all down, all there is to do is live, as easy or hard as that may be.

right now i feel as though i need to reduce my possessions and begin a phase of preparation for an unknown road ahead. it is as though i will soon be set loose and will be necessary to suppport myself through anymeans necessary,
i want things but am afraid to admit those wants to others around me, i am a coward. i should stop now, you think? what does the future hold? thats what keeps us going, im blabbering, but that is when i am most sure of my thoughts.

goodnight.

p.s.: to everyone i have ever met, i honestly thank you, you have all helped me become who i now am, although i cannot thank you enough for what i may become, i cannot thank you enough for what i have learned, or will learn from you, thank you, i love all of you, honeslty, from the depths of my heart, i love every one of you, although today is supposed to celebrate my birth, i choose to dedicate it to all of you, who have made me the person i am, or who i aim to become.

i cannot say it enough. i love all of you. thank you. there is nothing more to say, you are all combined into me

all my nonsense causes me to remeber steve hermann, my neighbor from childhood, you inspired me to reach high, you left too soon, im sorry i was unable to say goodbye, although you never knew, you were the greastest inspiration, i cried unseen tears at your passing, thank you for being all you are, you were better than i could ever hope to be, i pale in your shadow…

this piques my interest highly, there used to be a more indepth site, but it is gone. this helps a little. basically everything is structured to a decimal standard, all designs are based of of a square, heres a bad google translation of an interview.

if i could design fancy web sites, i would use this as a measuring stick [user=proxient, pass=xi8Horp].

third and finally, i like paul snowden’s work alot.

its funny, i have an internal struggle of wether to stop including any links on the page and just have journal entries, but then i feel i need to share what i find as though my own life is not enough to keep you interested. but that begs the question: am i only doing this so others pay attention? which leads to: am i being honest to myself? last year [before i started this blog] i had intended to create a totally annonymous journal through livejournal, but i ended up only making two entries, im considering starting again, but i wont tell you about it, it will be my own private self-grouphug.

perhaps i am too besotted? i feel a non-connected togetherness, for the first time i feel as though i am on the lower of the two scales that comprise the unequal balance of a relationship. in the past i have always been a casual bystander to anothers advances, but now i feel as though i am the one who is lesser and must therefore be the persuant…it is as though an ideal has been discovered but remains out of reach and fleeting…so much is answered, yet so many questions arise from a simple gaze that i become uncomfortable through the directness, yet leary from the explainations that come forth…i fear that i have become enamored, yet am afraid to admit it to whom it applies too, im sorry, you know who you are, i hope you understand this, i anticipate your return, but fear your response..often times things get to a hieghtened level and i dont know what to do, this is a textbook example of such…i cannot decide if that which i must do is mearly influenced by others, or is a true example of my real feelings…i need to stop with the elipses…ahhh drunken entries, revealing truths i would other wise be afraid to admit

in non personal excess, fuck macdonalds and the anti dairy hormone voters. apparently due to the new all white meat mcnugget, chicken prices have skyrocketed, as micky deez has been buying all the white meat they can find, screwing every other distributer and vendor. that combined with a similar effect of a new law outlawing a certain bovine hormone [which created a more than 100% jump in dairy prices] makes things tight around the pizza world, i now realize that everything is connected, thankyou for the lesson, thank you pizza, you pay my bills…

damn, again with the elipses, cut that shit out.

i listen to merzbow, stranger asks, “whats wrong with you car?” i smile and nod politely and drive away. i love merzbow.

i think im doing nothing for my birthday, having limited friends that are into not going out angers me at times like this….

dont click on this unless you reall really really want to-ok, someone just sent me [nsfw]this[nsfw] [the link, not the actual thing, thank god] and now i am really frieghtened, i refuse to believe that it is real, someone prove me right or wrong, please make it fake, i dont know why but it bothers me a lot. i want to sleep, but nothing. wtf!

[after googling a few things from the site, i call bullshit]

all my net friends are evil, stop sending me this shit[nsfw again].

last night i enjoyed a wonderful display by a mighty winged creature, although not as amazing as a pterodaytacl yelp. i am amazed that dreams of warehouses dance in anothers head. i discoverd a name written on my hand this morning, but it was written in my parents writing, a [soontobe]25 year old word that i discovered just now….perhaps i am thinking too much?

*i scream too, it helps.
**sorry, it will be ok, life goes on.

now for non tricky meaning section:
my body is expelling goo from every oriface on my head, ears, eyes, nose mouth must be evacuated everymorning, gallons it seems, why do allergies enter my life now? nature is against me, i will now go litter as revenge….

i officially hate boulder for many reasons, today the reason is a total lack of any decent music stores. im looking for maybe 10 cds and dont find a single one after going to 4 different stores, oh where oh where has my little wax trax gone? bought night and fog, to mach my somber state.

i dont know what to think anymore.

i listen, and every word makess me think of you….

3 years apart [though never truely “together”], 2/1095’s of that time spent together, a curiousity quenched, only to leave a greater desideratum. plus an aim to communicate in more exact obtuse-ness. and now it departs, bad timing once again…however the duration will be short lived this time around, so i anticipate a glorious return from the west, much like the sun[?] during the span i will subdue my self with regret.

hows that for a, such as, tint?

i never really felt any allergic reactions until now, when every morning for the past wekk i have been coughing up and blowing out an unusually high amout of bright yellow snot, tastey! it feels as though i will blow a nostril of in the next day or so…

now a word association to various links’ topics:
thank god
japan rules
no, it really does
im sure he’ll be properlly fined
the bastards are everywhere
monopoly, what monopoly?
all this would be quite the week long show

i was gonna say something else, but i forgot

so i make the connection today that having a blog is like driving in a car. they’re both private places where you feel alone, but in actuallity everyone can see what you’re doing in there. cars can honk at you, visitors can also harass you [or provide unique insights] you can crash both [now im stretching] anyway, you get the point? no, good, there isnt one…

Q: whats the difference between def leppard and a turkey?
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ok, i dont have aids, no one is pregnant, im not dieing, and whatever else you’re thinking just stop it, its not that bad, as i said before, stupid, not bad [depending on you moral viewpoint]. i’ll probablly tell all once i know whats going on for sure, i just need to know, then i can tell people. i will now try to not build it up any more, im through with it, ta.

“but i will say this, i have a nice warmth permeating my visceral being right now”

–makes me all fuzzy on the inside.

Q: what has nine arms and sucks?
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man, bastards hanging around their pt crusier ruined what could have been an “interesting” situation to say the least, but the situation was fantastic despite them as well. that said, tonight was pretty damn great, i have two new favorite bands: broken social scene and the life there is, both really really good, too bad the life has no cd out yet, i want it now, sosososo good. im at a wierd position, lets just say that something happened lasst week that i’ll probablly never tell anyone about, not even you, more out of embassment then anything else. anyway, “the thing” could have some long-lasting repercussions but i wont know for a few weeks, then i have this great night and now im worring even more about what will come of “the thing”, i wish that it was more immediate, stupid making me wait with no guidance, but more so, stupid me, im an idiot, i will learn from this, i just hope the lesson is not too hard….so stupid…..

i just watched good will hunting, i like it, but what happens when he get to california and fin s skylar has fallen for another guy and then will is just stuck there with an angry boss waiting for him and nothing left to live for? not that i have any reason to ask, or…

tonight; went on an akward myspace/friendster date, saw a cex show, saw someother girl i knew/had an odd crush on in school/ there but didnt want to be seen with akward date girl, came bacck to boulder, scared all of the losers out of nics house with records and with jacob on drums and me on vocals, how do hardcore guys do that shit, my throat is on fire, i dj again tomorrow night [at a real honest to god bar this time, bwahahahaha!!!] its gonna be rediculous, i have to wakes up in 4 hours. i m scared because the more i drank tonight, the more sober i became, wtf, drinking still doesnt make sence to my body.

planning only results in unnecessary expectations, its better to just go and see what happens.

i want to live my life like a squirrel running across a six-lane road.

something strange is going on, on saturday night i had the chance to buy the new cannibal corpse cd/dvd set for very cheap, but instead i buy 3 hiphop cds, i just cant get enough recently, i think ive bought at least 15 rap cds in the past 1.5 weeks. maybe it will rapidly change as pelican, fantomas, melt banana, cattle decapitation, xao, and a lot more metal shows are comming up soon, its too bad rap/rock sucks besause it seems that it would be great as i love both ingredients, but its so bad, you knew that already, but i just thought of it. i took my brakes off my bike again, i will never put them back on that frame, hopefully. the prototype is supposed to be here around friday, if not, i quit.

today was nice, after the horrid wind of course, went to right bros, rode street with tim, joe, issac, sherwin, and eric [just met him, brakeless fourpeg badass] after that went to wax trax [as the boulder branch closed, its the olny place to find any good cds] spent too much again on anothe grand buffet [sososososososo good], the weaathermen comp [also badass] the new yyy’s single, and the crack w.a.r. full length, came home, had 40’s, subway and now sleep. rick james wont die. and can i get a hell no!!. one thing i’ve noticed since going from win to mac is that im learning alot more key commands, i think mostly do to the lack of a right click, which leads me to my only major gripe with osX/the safari browser. that is, the lacking of a image reload command. as i’m on a 26 something dial up i have big problems with images not loading on pages, but once the little “?” square graphic appears indicating a failed image load, i can’t find a way to reload just the image[s] that failed and instead must reload the entire page [it may exist, but i havent found it yet, other than this, the mac is dope, i really love how all the prograqms intergrate, such as being able to read an email and being told if the sender is currently online so that i can just respond through ichat, nice stuff].

a bear walks into a bar

the bartender says:
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it was the above line that made me realize that grand buffet is my new favorite band/rap duo. every song is complete tounge in cheek, i mean c’mon, santa got my girlfriend pregnant for christmas? it doesn’t get much better, and there next album is all childrens music to fight against the prevalance of such music with a religious slant, plus there set was dedicated to “fuck the cheesecake factory”. mac lethal was just as good for being one guy and a cd player from kansas city, he was the first opening act ive seen that got a crowd actually excited for the rest of the show. and the rest of the show was great, go buy the nonprophets cd right now………no really, this page will still be here, go do it now………..ok, welcome back. now while listening to sage francis and joe beats check these links: this n that.

i woke up way to earily because it sounded like my house was gonna be blown over, or at least that there was a tree ontop of my car or anything, its way to windy. i guess thats it.

nope, its not, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha although i think that the justice system may be trying to make up for the enron debacle by throwing the book at her, she who lacks the political ties and influence of those bastards.